I’ve been in a state of shock since last night. I do not know exactly where to begin or what exactly I’m suppose to do. I was totally not expecting this.
“But you’ve already got a house! How can you not know?”. Well, I know for certain I will marry him, without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I just wasn’t expecting a proposal; the bend-down-on-one-knee kind, I just thought we were going to plan and set a date when the elders meet.
When I got home last night after the proposal/birthday dinner, I sat on my bed and stared at the ring for a good few minutes. My heart swelled with pride. I’m getting married? Omg, I’m getting married. This just got real. I don’t exactly know what to do – with myself and with the ring. What does an engaged woman do? Can I shower with this ring on? Do I go around showing my ring to people and cooing over it together (eek!)?
I replayed the proposal in my head over and over again. We were suppose to take group photos after dinner and they were taking turns to take photos with me in my little black dress and my bouquet of roses. When it was Shine’s turn to take a photo with me, he kneeled down. I thought he was picking something up or tying his shoelace and I was just there smiling into their camera phones while my friends were telling me to turn around and look at him. Huh? Why is he taking so long to tie his shoelace? My friends are already with their cameras and he’s still kneeling there? He was saying some things to me that I couldn’t register except for “I’ve never done anything like this”, “My knees hurt” and “I love you”. Then, he took out a box and that was when I realised what was really happening. My reaction though was unlike what you would expect, “Oh! I know what you’re going to do!” and started chuckling! That was not very bride-y of me. To which he replied, “You are so annoying”. I know he was secretly relieved at my reaction because I could see he wanted to laugh. He opened the box and I gasped! It was the ring I saw while shopping together some months back and he said they didn’t make it in smaller sizes. Little did I know that he had already bought the ring and hid it from me until my birthday when he can plan it with Zilin and propose in front of the rest of the bunch.
My reaction got me puzzled though. Was I suppose to cry? What is wrong with me?
I took a shower after reading all the sweet congratulations from friends on our Facebook timeline after Shine made the announcement. He was so happy. I on the other hand, was still letting the moment sink in. I didn’t shower with my ring on for fear that it’ll fall into the drain or get flushed down the toilet because I’m always fearful that things will go wrong when I’m happy. And then, it hit me. That was it. Why didn’t I cry with joy? Because it was something I had put at the back of my head over the years; I thought I was going to be single for the rest of my life. I couldn’t turn on the TV to anything bridal related, the sight of pregnant women tore my heart to shreds and the pictures of happy couples made me wanna vomit. Anything happy made me sick. Because I thought that it couldn’t happen to me.
When I first met Shine, I was still broken, like scattered glistening glitter, almost impossible to clean off. But instead of trying to get rid of all my imperfections, he embraced them and made it a part of his life. He loved me exactly the way I am – my past, my health conditions, my family, my friends, my bimbo moments and the days when I couldn’t handle myself – he took it all in and still have that much space to love me. How did I get so lucky? I must’ve done something right to deserve this.
That was when I cried. Because I almost didn’t meet my Shine, the man who has thought me how to love and laugh again and that scares me to bits because I honestly don’t know what I’ll do without him now. God must’ve heard all my prayers and brought me my guardian angel.
I did not expect to meet someone, I did. I did not expect to fall in love, I did. I did not think I would have a future, I have it now. I did not think I can have a family, now I can. The proposal was just the icing on a already sweet cake. Thank you to the love of my life, Shine, for everything you’ve done for me, I look forward to more beautiful memories together. I love you, baby.